If you’ve been avoiding giving feedback to someone on your team, you’re not alone. You’re in good company. Well … common company, at least.
Most managers aren’t avoiding feedback because they don’t care. It’s because it feels awkward and uncomfortable, and they’re hoping things will somehow get better on their own.
Spoiler alert: they almost never do.
I’ve seen this from multiple angles — as an employee, a manager, an employment lawyer, and someone who spent years in HR — and the cost of avoiding feedback is almost always higher than the cost of the conversation you didn’t want to have.
What Happens When You Keep Waiting
On the legal side, this pattern shows up constantly. A manager is finally ready to address a performance issue, but the history tells a different story: it’s been going on far longer than it should have, it was never documented, and in many cases the employee has no idea, since their reviews painted a neutral (or even glowing) picture. Because no one wanted that awkward conversation. So now you’ve got a real problem, a paper trail that says there wasn’t one, and a situation that’s a lot harder — and riskier — to untangle. That’s the employment lawyer view.
Then there’s the human view. You know what people write in Glassdoor reviews when they’ve been let go for performance? Not “my manager gave me too much feedback.” More like: No one ever told me where I stood until the day I was fired. I had no idea I wasn’t meeting expectations until it was too late. My manager was never honest with me.
Avoiding feedback doesn’t protect your employees, nor your organization. It just keeps people in the dark so they can’t improve, and gets you frustrated.
Why We Avoid It (Be Honest With Yourself)
If you’ve been holding back feedback, there’s probably a reason. It’s worth understanding it — and owning it.
This might sound familiar: “I haven’t said anything because I think they’d just get upset – and it wouldn’t change anything anyway. I like them as a person, and it’s hard to even describe exactly what’s wrong. It’s just … not good. I keep thinking it’ll improve. And every time I think about bringing it up, something more urgent comes along and I tell myself I’ll do it next week.”
If this is indeed familiar, it’s not to guilt you. It’s a very human response to a situation you (like most managers) probably weren’t trained for. But keeping that script in your head doesn’t help you — or them. At some point, you need to have an actual conversation.
Use Pause-Consider-Act to Rethink Avoiding Feedback
The Pause-Consider-Act framework is especially helpful when it comes to feedback, because the default habit (avoid-delay-hope) might feel easier in the moment, but it costs you more over time.
- Pause. Before your next one-on-one, or before another week goes by, stop and ask yourself: What feedback have I been holding back giving? You can’t address what you haven’t acknowledged.
- Consider. Think about what’s actually holding you back. Is it the reaction? The relationship? Not knowing what to say? Those aren’t excuses, they’re useful signals. Also ask yourself: If your boss had feedback for you but avoided sharing it to protect your feelings, would you want that? Probably not. You’d want the conversation, just delivered in a way that invites your perspective and supports your growth.
- Act. Have the conversation. Share what you’ve observed, ask for their perspective, and work through next steps together. You can’t control exactly how it will go, but you can choose to start, and do it in a way that’s more likely to lead to a productive outcome.
A Simple Way to Start the Conversation
You don’t need a script. But if you’ve been avoiding this long enough that it feels awkward to bring up now, here’s a simple way to start: “I want to be more intentional about giving you real feedback — not just on individual projects, but also what will help you grow in your career. I’ve been thinking about [the specific issue], and I want to talk through it with you.”
That’s it. You’ve opened the conversation.
And if part of what’s holding you back is that it’s been going on way too long, you can (and should) own that too: “I should have said something sooner. I didn’t, and that’s on me. But I don’t want to keep going without talking about it.”
That kind of honesty doesn’t make you look weak. It shows your team that you’re willing to be direct, take responsibility, and have the conversations that actually matter.
The Real Cost of Staying Quiet
Feedback isn’t just about telling someone how they’re doing. It’s about building trust.
When employees don’t get clear, honest feedback, they start filling in the blanks themselves — and they don’t always get it right. Some team members assume everything’s great and feel blindsided when they find out it’s not. Others can tell something’s off, but don’t know what, and start to get in their head while you’re both stuck and unsure how to reset.
Neither outcome is what you want as a leader.
The managers I’ve seen struggle most with giving feedback aren’t bad leaders. They’re managers who care – but who confuse avoiding discomfort with avoiding harm. Being direct isn’t the opposite of being kind. You can hold someone accountable and still be fully in their corner. In fact, that’s what the best managers do.
So, if you’ve been waiting for the “right” moment to have that feedback conversation, this is it – your nudge and a place to start. Not because it’ll be easy, but because choosing to do it anyway is what makes you the kind of manager your team actually needs.
