I woke up again this morning to a quiet house. I told myself I should be used to this feeling, again, but the truth is I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to this new role I find myself in.
I’ve had more than enough time to settle into a routine. It’s been years since my three kids got their licenses and jobs and big lives outside of these four walls. Slowly they started slipping away and spending less time at home, as they should. And I was free to invest in myself more. To take a breather.
Instead of being the one who kept all the plates spinning all the time for my kids, I had more time for me. I always thought I’d fill this time with travel and books and parties. But for some reason I’m frozen, not quite sure which direction to go in.
I’m still needed for things like grocery shopping and doctors appointments and the occasional piece of advice—only when asked, of course.
I thought I would enjoy this freedom. There were times as a single mom of three that I craved it. I wanted my mind to rest, to be able to sit down without beating myself up for taking a minute when there was so much to do.
I have all that now. I have all that and then some.
But the quiet is too loud. I feel so unsettled. There are days when I don’t really know who I am anymore. When I talk about this feeling — this void —some women get it. It’s a huge identity shift and when you spend years as a busy mom, the nurturer of the home, the caretaker, the nurse, the maid and the cook; you live and move a certain way. And for me, unlearning that way of life has been a harder transition than I thought. I didn’t know that such a huge piece of me would … leave. I’m not the same person I was when my kids were younger because they grew up. And it feels so strange.
Of course some say the fact I’m not sure who I am anymore is my fault. That I’m in control of my life and maybe I should have prepared for this by building more of a life of my own while my kids were home.
I don’t regret not doing that. I knew my time with them wouldn’t always be that way and I wanted to soak it up. I did that and I’m glad; I have no regrets. I didn’t want to miss a thing.
But I didn’t know I would feel a little lost. I didn’t know it would be so hard to figure out what I want to do with my free time. And I really didn’t know I would have to get used to not having to be the one to hold everything together at every moment. I didn’t know that I’d miss it so much.
I think every identity shift takes time to get used to. But going from being a full time mom to having grown kids is a big one.
I know I’ll find my way, we always do. But damn.
Katie lives in Maine with her three kids, two ducks, and a goldendoodle. When she’s not writing, she’s reading, at the gym, redecorating her home, or spending too much money online.
