Danielle Lerner, 40, a mom of three from Phoenix, remembers feeling paralyzed after she had her second baby seven years ago. She was pumping breast milk around the clock, her husband had gone back to work, and she was caring for a 2.5-year-old and a newborn who both demanded constant attention.
“I would just be sitting on the floor covered in spit-up, but didn’t feel like I could even go upstairs to change because somebody would need me,” explains Lerner. “[I was] starting to feel like even changing a diaper was super overwhelming.”
She knew she could probably use a break, but socializing seemed like a lose-lose situation. “I didn’t want to have anybody over because I didn’t feel like I could entertain them,” says Lerner. “I didn’t want to go to anyone’s house because I was afraid of how my kids would act.”
Matrescence, or the complex transition into motherhood, is biological, psychological, social, political, and spiritual. So, it’s no surprise that it can take a toll on your friendships.
For moms who experience it, postpartum depression (PPD) can complicate that process and its consequences even further, says Kristin Lasseter, M.D., a psychiatrist at Reproductive Psychiatry and Counseling in Austin, Texas. PPD can often cause moms to disengage with their friends and social network, she says.
“A lot of times the thought is, ‘This person would be better off without me, or I’m being a burden to this person,’” says Lasseter. “It can really create this disconnect in relationships. When people are depressed, their energy’s really down, their interest in other things is low. Their ability to feel joy and connection is off, and, a lot of times, completely missing.”
Lerner ultimately found solace within a small circle of friends, knowing there was no way she could keep in touch with everyone in her life. “I really gravitated more toward people who I knew I could trust, who I knew wouldn’t judge me, and [I was] just being more intentional with my time and my emotions,” she says.
If your friendships begin to unravel while you’re in the thick of navigating motherhood — texts going unread for days, birthdays missed, guilt piled on more guilt — you aren’t a bad friend. You’re a human and a parent.
If you or a friend are experiencing PPD, learn more about how it can impact your friendships, and what you can do to protect, repair, or let go once the fog lifts.
Postpartum Depression Changes Who You Are
Becoming a mom reshapes your identity. Add depression, and every difficult element involved in that shift gets magnified.
“Those hormonal and psychological changes that are happening just with forming a new identity get tangled up in depression that also influences your sense of self,” says Lasseter. PPD can make you feel shame, guilt, and a sense of worthlessness. Hormonal changes also impact parts of your brain that control focus and memory, she adds.
This mental health free-for-all is why something as small as returning a call can feel impossible. “A mom might start a text to a friend, and then the baby starts crying, and then that text never gets sent, even though they thought they sent it,” says Shanah Segal, Psy.D., a clinical and forensic psychologist and chair of the New York chapter of Postpartum Support International (PSI).
PPD can bring on feelings of self-doubt and fear, causing you to feel abandoned even if friends are actively reaching out, says Lasseter.
“Rejection sensitivity is a common symptom of postpartum depression, where someone is more likely to interpret their friends’ actions or words in a negative light,” she explains. You might misread a text or comment and think that a friend doesn’t value the friendship, even if that’s not what’s happening, she says.
Resist the urge to pull away further. A 2022 study found that women with strong social support — from partners, family, and friends — were less likely to have PPD symptoms.
“Knowing that someone out there cares for you can be the motivating factor that someone needs in order to get out of bed and live each day,” says Segal. Even if a friend has not experienced birth or your exact experience, they can provide a different perspective which can then help the mom take a look outside of her own point of view.”
Protecting Your Current Friendships
Between round-the-clock feedings, squeezing in another tummy time session, and endless loads of laundry (the spit-up! the blowouts!), maintaining friendships probably feels like just one more thing you can’t keep up with.
But you don’t have to respond to every single message or catch-up request — try prioritizing one or two friendships, says Segal. Hit pause on all the “baby talk” for a bit. “Talk about the weather or sports or anything else — just having some sort of connection is super important during this time,” she says.
You can even do some of the legwork before the baby comes, says Segal. If you experienced PPD after a prior pregnancy, have a history of mental health disorders, or your doctor otherwise flags you as high-risk for PPD, consider having a frank talk with your friends before the birth, says Segal.
Explain what you’re worried about exactly and what you anticipate needing from them during the postpartum period. You might say, “‘I anticipate that postpartum is going to be hard for me, so when I text, please text me back as soon as possible because that will really mean a lot to me,’” says Segal.
Some days, you may want to connect with friends, but don’t have the capacity to reach out. That’s when having a persistent friend who you can always rely on to reach out can help give you a lifeline.
Showing Up for a Mom Who’s Drowning
On the flip side, if you’re watching a friend go through PPD, you may be unsure whether to step in or give her space. Maybe she hasn’t been picking up the phone, is slow to respond, or is subtly pushing you away. Remember: It’s not personal.
PPD “is a disorder, a disease … what their brain is telling them to do is to disengage and to withdraw,” says Lasseter. “Just being there, whether physically or emotionally, calling them every day, checking in on them,” is enough to show them you’re invested in the friendship, she says.
When in doubt, ask how she’s doing. It’s a question that often gets overshadowed by the baby, says Segal. “If friends can show up and be like, ‘How are you?’ That’s another way for the mom to know, ‘Oh, I exist. My identity is still here in some way,’” she says.
As for Lerner, she says her steadfast sister-in-law and another close friend were “instrumental” during this time. They kept asking how she was holding up, remained in close contact, and pushed her to seek help for her mental health.
Reflecting on Current Friendships and Making New Connections
As with other chapters in life, during postpartum, it’s normal for some friendships to fade into the background whereas others come out stronger. Once you settle into your identity as a mom, you may find that some friendships aren’t as meaningful to you anymore, says Lasseter.
Ask yourself: Can I be open and vulnerable with this person? Do I feel safe telling them what I’ve been through? If the answer is no, you may decide to keep them in your life as more of a casual connection. You lean on different friends for different things, Segal points out — think about the friend you call at 3 a.m. for a good cry versus the person you meet for coffee. A casual friend is still worth keeping, even if her role is just to get you out of the house for an hour, says Segal.
Having candid conversations can also strengthen existing friendships or help you make new connections. The relationships you form or build upon during this time of matrescence can help you navigate the identity shift that comes with the transition, says Lasseter.
This was the case for Lerner, who says that talking about her PPD opened up the opportunity to connect with new friends on a deeper level because they shared similar struggles.
That bond she formed through their shared lived experience is “something that should encourage people to be open about their own journeys,” Lerner advises. “Chances are you’re going to find other people who have felt the same way and maybe haven’t been able to voice it.”
Because the truth is, PPD can turn you into a distant, cancels-at-the-last-minute friend for a little while. But that’s the illness, not a reflection of the kind of friend you are, reminds Lasseter. The friendships built to last won’t need you at your best to survive the stretch when you’re at your worst.
If you’re the friend watching from the outside, know that showing up can be as simple as sitting on the floor with her, dropping off a meal on her porch, or sending a silly meme at 2 a.m. because you know she’s up anyway. She might not answer for a week — but do it anyway.
Presented by BDG Studios
