We’re all familiar with romantic relationships, having either personally experienced them ourselves or watched them play out on various TV shows (usually at a beach house or a lavish ballroom or an idyllic town full of hunky vampires). But what about a different kind of relationship that isn’t romantic in nature but could prove to be just as important? I’m referring to one of the most sacred relationships out there: mom friendships.
Since my son was born during the COVID era, I didn’t really have access to local mom groups or baby playdates that would’ve allowed me to immediately expand my parenting social circle. Even after the pandemic ended, I still found it difficult to connect with other moms in the area. Sure, I would chat with some of them at a nearby playground, but asking for their contact information after just one interaction felt too pushy… and then I’d never really see them again.
Then my son started school and everything changed. I began seeing the same circle of moms at pick-ups and drop-offs and sporting events. In time, those interactions evolved from surface-level conversations to deeper, more meaningful ones that allowed for a genuine friendship to form. Now, when my son has a playdate with one of his friends, it feels like I do too. It’s been great and something I’ve really come to appreciate. But it’s also made me wonder what will happen to these friendships if our children eventually drift apart.
Whether it’s because of a falling out or a gradual lack of time together, kid friendships always seem to be in a constant state of flux. Sometimes personalities change and they no longer vibe together the way they used to. Other times it’s more of a proximity issue from no longer being in the same class or on the same sports teams, giving them fewer opportunities to hang out on a regular basis. Regardless of the reason, no kid friendship is guaranteed to withstand the test of time. But what does that mean for the mom friendships that developed along the way?
Since I’m still in the early stages of my son’s friendship journey, I reached out to other moms who have already navigated this rocky terrain to see how (or if) they were able to maintain those strong bonds with other fellow moms.
One mom from the D.C. area has found that it makes a huge difference if you establish a connection with the mom first before the kids really have a say in the matter. “If the moms were friends first, I think it’s easier for them to stay connected even if their kids eventually drift apart,” she tells ScaryMommy. “If the kids become friends first and the mom friendship develops as a result, that connection can end more quickly.”
She adds that shared experiences can also strengthen the bonding process. “As a mom of twins, one of my early mom friendships formed when our kids were all under one,” she explains. “I bonded with her because she was also a new mom to twins, and we connected before our kids really did.” That friendship has endured even now that schedules are busier and the kids go to different schools.
Meanwhile, another mom who is a teacher in the Rochester, NY area has watched her daughter’s friend group transform over 13 years into something more like a sibling relationship: they don’t necessarily interact at school anymore, but they still socialize at family gatherings. The friendship may not be the same as it once was, but the shift hasn’t resulted in never seeing those other moms.
“They don’t talk much in school, but when the families or parents are together they always show up. The kids still are the first to text each other on birthdays,” she tells ScaryMommy. “Were there times the kids’ relationships impacted ours? Yes. But at the end of the day we are working to create kind kids who can handle communication and conflict and get through it.”
Change, however, is sometimes just a part of life and can impact even the most long-standing friendships. One mom from the Bay Area has had a core group of mom friends since her daughter was in kindergarten, but now that the kids are teenagers, they are expanding their social circle and not hanging out with each other as much. And she’s finding that her friendship with those moms seems to be mirroring that dynamic as well.
“We used to hang out at each other’s houses, and now we always say we miss each other and we should try to get dinner on the calendar. It just never happens,” she admits. “I don’t think it’s intentional. We all have super busy lives with our kids in different intense sports, and that keeps us from getting together.”
But the biggest underlying factor in maintaining mom friendships? Both sides need to be willing to put in the effort to make it happen, regardless of what’s going on with the kids. One mom from Central New York is a military spouse and has navigated the challenges of both creating and maintaining friendships from all over the world, which she admits is no easy feat.
“I’ve remained close to military spouse mom friends with kids of similar ages, but it takes work on both ends and it takes putting in the time to get to know them outside of the kids’ activities,” she explains. “I made the effort to pretty much ‘date’ friends — so going out to lunch, going for walks, and really showing interest in our friendship. It wasn’t always reciprocated, unfortunately, but the ones that have continued to reach out despite the distance I know are worthwhile.”
Ultimately, I’ve come to realize that every friendship is different, and there’s no way to really know how a relationship will play out. No one (not even moms) holds a crystal ball that’ll tell them what the future has in store for their kiddos or themselves. But like with most relationships, you get what you put into it. Sometimes life just gets in the way, but if the friendship is strong enough, you’ll find your way back to each other. And for the ones that don’t, well, it was still fun while it lasted.
