Like many moms with ADHD, I didn’t know I had it until my kid was diagnosed with ADHD, when he was about six or seven. I was 37.
I had started reading some of the materials the psychologist sent over, and when reading Driven to Distraction by Drs. Edward Hallowell and John Ratey, I saw myself in the lengthy checklist at the end of the book. Then I went to get diagnosed myself. I took this very boring QB test and scored off the charts, like 99th percentile for ADHD.
I was pretty shocked. I had been certain I couldn’t possibly be the genetic link in our family — I had a PhD, after all, and had always associated ADHD with young, hyperactive boys. I’d even joked in college, “That couldn’t be me.” As it turned out, it absolutely could. For the first time, I started seeing myself more clearly and recognizing so many parts of my life through a completely different lens.
My challenges have been much more of the overlooked variety, in terms of the emotion regulation challenges, especially into my teenage years. People would say, “Catherine, you’re too negative,” or “You’re too hard on yourself.” I was highly sensitive to things that people would say about me, and it made it harder to feel good about myself.
- For many people with ADHD, emotional dysregulation is a key part of how the condition affects their day-to-day lives. It can show up as “irritability, having a short fuse, or being easily overexcited,” according to the American Psychological Association.
When I went to college for the first time, I went to play soccer for a small liberal arts college. I had thought, “I’m gonna be great at college.” I’m an old soul, and I don’t always connect with peers who are invested in silly things like looks — things like that. I underestimated how hard it would be to leave home and start in a new setting.
The people in college weren’t that much older or different than in high school. By the time school actually started, since preseason was two and a half weeks, I was already pretty depressed. That made it harder for me to connect with the other students once they showed up. My roommate was also going through some emotional challenges, so we buddied up in that. But then I just dove into trying to get a 4.0. I hunkered down and tried to manage all these challenges by becoming hyperfocused.
- Another common, if overlooked, symptom of ADHD is hyperfocus, in which someone can focus on a project for a long period of time if it’s interesting to them.
When you become a mom, the amount of executive functioning that’s required is astronomical. Mothering is very, very intensive. When things are stressful, as they often are when you’re a working mom, a big coping strategy for me is that I tend to work harder, and I tend to work harder at the wrong things. I’m embarrassed to say that I pour myself into my work life. Or I write another book. Or I go back to school to become a counselor.
A psychologist said, “Catherine, the solution to every problem is not to work harder.” I was like, “What?”
With ADHD, we all have strengths and challenges, and they’re different. For me, I’m pretty good at being on time, but my house is messy. I’m very determined when I’m working toward a goal, which has been an asset, but I try to recognize that my achievements are not the only values that I have. They’re not the only things that are important.
My eldest son is about to be a sophomore in high school. I only have a few more years with my family of four, and I’m aware that I would deeply regret ignoring my family. I try to recognize what’s important in this phase of life, which helps me make better decisions about how to spend my time.
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