There are a few things worse than hearing a friend complain about their partner. Not only because you want them to feel supported and loved, always, but because it’s hard to hear that there’s someone — usually a man — who has the audacity to make a woman feel less than or unheard or unappreciated. It’s hard because, sometimes, the only thing you can think to say back is, “Girl, why are you putting up with this?”
We know relationships can’t all be simplified like that, but one mom on Reddit has some advice for those who often complain about their partners: they all need to be meaner to their husbands.
Honestly? Co-sign.
In the subreddit /mommit, the original poster (OP) shared some complaints she’s read in the group before. “‘I’m 2 hours postpartum and my husband wants to take a trip with his buddies.’ ‘I haven’t taken a shower /washed my hair in two weeks because of my baby, but my husband goes out every night.’ ‘I just delivered a baby, but my husband might be more tired than I am because he slept on the couch in the room.’ ‘Husband plays 18 holes of golf every Saturday and I haven’t gone out by myself in two years.’”
And then she wrote, “Girl if you don’t start being mean AF to that man.”
OP’s entire rant focused on how much empathy so many wives have for their husbands, and that “we have swung too far.”
“Doesn’t matter how many hours he works — he would still need to work if he didn’t have kids,” OP wrote. “Stop trying to be a cool wife and call him out on his bullshit. Be comfortable saying ‘no you can’t go’. Motherhood is already hard enough without all that.”
And you know what, she’s right.
In theory, saying “No, you can’t go” doesn’t sound like it would be that hard to do to your husband — but I think all of us get trapped in that “cool wife” ideal. None of us wants to feel like we struggle with the kids when our spouse isn’t there, none of us wants to make our partner unhappy, and none of us wants to have our husband resent us or feel bitter.
But then, we end up being the unhappy, resentful, bitter ones.
It’s a hard balance, but so much of it is steeped in misogyny; it’s hard not to be irritated at how hard the balancing act is. Like, what do you mean a husband never feels half the guilt a wife does over having their own separate activities and hobbies? Or that women feel a societal pressure to keep their “man happy” so he doesn’t stray, but men don’t seem to have that same fear? (And instead, if women stray, they are ungrateful.)
Some of the comments really brought this idea to home, too.
“I’m a labor and delivery nurse and I agree completely,” one commenter wrote. “The things I’ve seen include: a woman having her third baby and after her epidural her husband turned to her and said, ‘You’re comfortable now, right? Because my brother just invited me out to a bar downtown and I feel like you don’t really need me.’ She convinced him to stay but he sulked about it the rest of my shift.”
“Amen. I’m not talking about beat your man, cheat on your man. No, not abuse. But straight up being CLEAR with them when things are not FAIR,” another commenter wrote. “It looks mean, it sounds mean. But it’s standing up for yourself.”
Many moms in the thread shared that it’s not about hurting your husband’s feelings on purpose, but by being straightforward and assertive with what you need. Giving them a hard “No” when they ask if they can go out for drinks on a night you need him home, or making him aware of how you really feel when he does something that made you feel unappreciated or unheard.
“I got hella downvoted on one of those posts because I said I ask my husband if he’s an idiot when he is, in fact, being an idiot,” read one comment.
“I’ve started to hold my husband’s feet to the fire. I wish I would have done it 40 years ago. He hates it at the time, but soon realizes he is low effort and causing the problem most of the time,” another wrote.
Again — it’s holding men accountable.
And the “be meaner” part is really just a saying that we know men will use. “You’re being mean,” they say when we lose our shit about the dishes still not being done an hour after we asked. “Why are you being mean to me?” they’ll ask when we get frustrated that we have to spell out to them why every Saturday is too much golf time. “You don’t have to be mean about it,” they tell us when we insist that they’re sleeping in too much and missing family time.
But we know what it really is. It’s making sure our husbands know that we can only be the cool wife if they’re being a cool husband.
And cool husbands don’t need this much instruction.
