Research shows that an employee’s perception of what makes an authentic leader is the most significant predictor of job satisfaction and happiness at work. And I experienced this firsthand when my boss said three simple words that changed everything.
You see, as a journalist, I was always accustomed to someone checking, editing, and approving every piece before publication. So when I asked my new boss yet another question about a piece of content I was working on, his response shocked me. He turned around and said, “I trust you.”
I was blown away because it was a huge shift. For the first time, Someone is encouraging me to trust my own judgement instead of seeking approval. It was the complete opposite of everything perfectionism had reinforced in me. And while that was a breakthrough moment for me, I’d realized just how much perfectionism had shaped me leading up to that moment.
Thriving from failure
Back in 2011, I was living my dream. I was on stage at the New York Comedy Club, about to deliver my first five-minute stand-up set in America. I’d memorized and rehearsed and memorized every word. After I delivered my first joke, my mind went completely blank. Nothing. For 30 excruciating seconds, I stood frozen like a deer in headlights. When I looked down at my palm for my SOS backup notes, all I saw was a giant smudge mark. My nervous, sweaty hands totally smeared the ink. I looked around the room, locked eyes with a friend, and took a desperate breath. Eventually, my jokes came flooding back. But I replayed that freeze for years on loop in my mind.
That experience taught me that perfectionism isn’t protection at all. Far from it. It’s actually a trap. We think we’re safe when we’ve mapped everything out, but it’s actually the opposite. If we forget one tiny point, everything unravels quickly.
Research distinguishes between excellence-seeking perfectionism (driven by high standards) and failure-avoiding perfectionism (driven by fear and concerns). So many of us are trapped in the latter, with this fear disconnecting us from our authentic voice. This kind of perfectionism is sneaky because it disguises itself as high standards. And it’s also very, very convincing.
Trying to meet an impossible standard
I see this pattern constantly. One leader at a recent presentation skills workshop was convinced she needed to get everything right. But when I asked, “According to who?” she couldn’t answer. We laughed, her shoulders dropped, and she smiled. Her entire presence shifted. Authentic leadership requires presence, vulnerability, honesty, and trust. But it’s rigidity that causes fear-driven perfectionism.
When you’re trapped in perfectionism, you’re chasing an impossible standard, instead of leading from a true place. And teams can feel that disconnect. After I froze on stage in New York, I made a decision. I would never memorize another performance. Instead, I learned to be present, trust myself, and adapt. And the result was always better performances and much deeper connections because I was finally in the room with my audience instead of being trapped in my head. The antidote to perfectionism isn’t lowering our standards. It’s raising authenticity.
Preventing perfectionism from getting in the way
I’ve learned that below are the key steps to follow if you want to prevent perfectionism from getting in the way of your success:
- Own your mistakes openly. When you admit your mistakes, you give others permission to stop hiding theirs and start learning from them instead.
- Share what didn’t work. I tell leaders about bombed pitches and lost rooms. Failure can build connections very quickly.
- Say “I don’t know.” When someone asks you something you haven’t considered or you don’t have the answer to, admit it. This creates the space for honest connections.
- Get comfortable with version #1. My comedy coach Judy Carter said, “Get your ideas out there because you can always make them better.” At the end of the day, done is way better than perfect.
When my boss said those three words to me, he gave me something powerful. And that’s permission to trust myself. Sure, perfectionism might make you look good, but authentic leadership is what actually transforms people and is what allows you to build true connections and relationships that will last for years to come.
