Do you know someone who has had an emotional affair, or whose partner had one during their relationship? Maybe you’ve done it yourself — and you wouldn’t be alone in that, by the way — or experienced that pit in your stomach finding your partner’s texts with someone else. Emotional affairs are a slippery slope, and according to experts, our constant connection to one another (thanks, phones) is making them all the more common.
I polled about a dozen relationship therapists, and more than half agreed that they are seeing a rise in the number of couples coming to them for help following an emotional affair. Many attribute the increase to the ease with which we can connect today — via texts, social media, and more — which don’t require two people to be in the same place, such as at work.
“I have noticed an increase in emotional affairs coming through the door. Not only do I notice an increase in numbers, but I notice a deeper sense of hurt being expressed. I would say probably 30% of my couples right now are emotional affairs or have emotional affairs as part of their story,” says Karl Stenske, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Irvine, California.
“Emotional affairs are increasingly common, especially in the digital age,” says couples therapist Thomas Westenholz. “In my practice, I’ve seen a notable rise in clients coming in not after a physical betrayal, but after discovering their partner had formed a deep, secretive emotional connection with someone else, often via text, social media, or work.”
Those who disagreed said that it may seem like there are more emotional affairs happening, but the actual numbers haven’t changed. Culturally, we’re now more aware that emotional affairs are a thing, and we have the language to talk about them and seek help.
“While this type of behavior isn’t new, I do see more clients reporting this sort of behavior coming up in their relationships and feeling more justified in feeling hurt or betrayed by it,” says Kristin Anderson, LCSW, licensed psychotherapist and founder of Madison Square Psychotherapy “In the past, much of this behavior was easily written off in popular culture since it may not be seen as ‘as bad’ as infidelity that is overtly physical or sexual. The reality is that emotional affairs can be just as much of a betrayal and as detrimental to a relationship as any other sort of affair.”
Why do people have emotional affairs?
Often they begin by accident, Stenske says. “Emotional affairs tend to directly tie back to a disconnection in the relationship. Couples who would qualify their life and relationship as happy often also report feeling disconnected, alone, misunderstood, or merely content. As we do life, we begin to miss the sharing of our deeper and more emotional selves. The missing piece of deeper connection will then respond when someone else offers it. The partner is often not seeking a new partner. They are just seeking meaningful connection and have never been taught how to recognize or articulate that need to their partner.”
Westenholz agrees, saying most emotional affairs don’t begin with bad intent but, rather, “a seemingly innocent connection” with someone at work, the gym, or an old friend. With time, that emotional intimacy builds until a line is crossed (what that is depends on each partner’s definition of cheating). “Often, people engaging in emotional affairs are looking to feel alive, desirable, or emotionally close to someone, things they may not feel they’re getting in their current relationship,” he says.
If you’re the partner who was betrayed, Anderson says it’s important to focus on this: It didn’t happen because of some deficiency in you.
“There may be a deficiency in the relationship where something has felt missing. Maybe that’s quality time, affection, or the admiration for one another that was probably present early in the relationship. On the other hand, sometimes the reason for an emotional affair really does come from something the cheating partner is looking to solve within themselves, like low self-esteem or inability to voice their own needs. Instead of trying to find a way to have these needs met within the relationship, they start to look for an outside solution.”
Can your relationship come back from an emotional affair?
If an emotional affair has rocked your relationship, experts agree that it can be set right again, but it will take a lot of work from both parties.
“While it can be hard to even imagine when this type of infidelity is first discovered, repairing a relationship after an emotional affair is absolutely possible if both partners are committed to making it work. Betrayal and lack of trust are incredibly difficult to come back from — but things like couples therapy can help both partners to heal and learn to seek out how to have their needs met within the relationship,” Anderson says.
For the partner who strayed, Westenholz says moving forward is going to require that they acknowledge the hurt they caused, be fully transparent from then on, and end that outside relationship completely. The betrayed partner will need space to process their grief and anger, he says, and the two should definitely seek couples therapy to learn how to better express their needs and connect emotionally.
If you’re looking for a therapist, you should consider one who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Stenske advises. “It is proven to achieve this deeper connection and aid in healing. If people don’t have access to therapy, then I would start by reading Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson and committing to doing the work as it is laid out in the book.”
“An emotional affair signals unmet needs — but it doesn’t have to signal the end,” Westenholz says.
