When I started dating after my divorce almost a decade ago, I had mixed feelings about getting out there again. One thing was certain, though: I was ready to get laid. I had been in a sexless marriage. There was neither passion nor chemistry, and I missed it terribly.
It has also been twenty years since I’d slept with someone else, and for some reason I thought grown men would somehow be … prepared. By that, I mean after a few dates when things were getting hot and steamy, I thought they’d have a condom. That had been my experience with men in college and my early twenties. They weren’t perfect, of course, but whenever I mentioned protection, they were prepared.
So, post-divorce while dating men ranging in ages from their thirties to fifties, you can imagine my surprise when not one of them offered protection or had even had protection on them. And when I did stop us from having sex one time, you’d think they’d show up the next time with something, right?
Nope! You’re sorely mistaken.
The thing that keeps surprising me is that these grown men don’t get it. Yes, I use birth control, but that doesn’t stop STDs. Hello! And if they aren’t hot about using protection with me, that means they aren’t using it with other women either.
Look, I’m sure it’s not fun to cover your dick with latex when you’re trying to have a pleasurable experience. But I’m a woman, a busy one at that, and I don’t have time for sex-ed lessons. Also, I don’t want to have sex with anyone so badly that I’m going to risk my health. And it’s not up to me to make sure a man does his homework and goes to the damn store so we can both be protected. Believe me, I protect myself from getting pregnant and I go to the doctor every year to have an exam to make sure I’m healthy. I’ve done my part. That’s enough. And if I had a penis, I’d cover it. But I don’t and I’m not about to take chances with anyone’s member even if I’m told over and over how good and clean it is. Or that it’s been years since it’s touched anyone else.
If you don’t know how to play safe, you don’t get to play with me. And if men think that women want to be the ones taking the lead in this area of the relationship, they’re wrong. It almost felt like I was speaking a foreign language to men when I asked them to cover themselves up.
So either that’s their way of manipulating the situation and trying to make me think that I’m asking for too much, or there aren’t enough women out there making the men do a job they should be doing willingly.
Last time I checked getting an STD wasn’t in fashion, so I’m not sure what the hell I’m missing. Once we have an established, monogamous relationship and we both get tested and come out clean, great. Then and only then will we go raw.
For now, the two choices seem to be to not even bother having sex, or to keep asking grown men to protect us.
Maybe I should just have a t-shirt made for the third date (or whenever I want to have sex) that reads, No Glove No Love and save everyone a lot of hassle.
Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.
