Most of us will work for a really bad boss at some point in our lives, perhaps more than one. Research by the Harris Poll bears this out, showing that more than 70 percent of workers have had at least one such noxious manager in their career. These difficult managers can range from inexperienced and incompetent bosses to truly mean-spirited individuals who have little regard for human suffering. Researchers have found that when we experience incivility in the workplace, about half of people intentionally decreased their work effort, more than three-quarters said it decreased their commitment to the organization involved, and more than one in ten said they had left a job because of poor treatment/behavior.
What’s interesting is that many people think “It’s all their [the bosses’] fault” when, in fact, we often play a role in the difficult relationship. When we have a less-than-ideal boss, it’s also helpful to look in the mirror, for there may be some things we are doing that contribute to the situation. In addition, it’s easy to mistake incompetence for ill intent toward us. Keeping this in mind may give us a bit more empathy for a previous bad boss because we learn our own leadership skills by leading others, just as that previous bad boss had to learn to lead by leading us.
Really bad bosses can be soul-crushing and draining to work with. It helps us realize that when a boss, or any other person, treats us badly, their behavior may have very little to do with us and more to do with what is going on in their own world. But although we cannot control how others think or behave, we do have control over ourselves and our behavior.
When you have an insecure boss, there are some things you can do to make the situation more palatable. First, let them know, and feel, that they are in charge. Don’t challenge them, particularly in front of others. Keep track of your own contributions and successes so they will be top of mind when they tell you that you have not made any contributions. And learn as much as you can from them while you’re there and network widely to expand your learning, contacts, and opportunities. Sometimes the biggest learning from these situations is that you never want to make anyone feel the way this boss makes you feel. That’s still a valuable lesson.
If you work with a difficult person, keep in mind that you cannot change them and their behaviors. Only they can make these changes. Their own self-understanding and ability to self-manage is not up to you or even about you, but it can have a strong impact on you. When you have a really horrible, no-good boss, one that is demeaning or abusive, it may be helpful to remember that their behavior says more about them than it does about you. Although it’s never pleasant to have an abusive manager, remembering this may help you to not take their behavior personally. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it may help you put it in perspective. You own your behavior; they own theirs.
This advice may be helpful in not exacerbating an already difficult problem or avoiding having your behavior become what gets singled out for punishment. But if you continue to work with an abusive manager who diminishes you, it can negatively affect your motivation, confidence, mental health, and career. In these situations, you may want to take the learning and move on.
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
The answer to this question is, like so many others, “It depends.” It depends on what your goals are for your career, for learning, for experience; your appetite for comfort versus adventure; how you think about remuneration and learning; and how uncomfortable your current situation is. There is no promise that the situation you are in will get better, and there’s no guarantee that a new job will have a better manager. Many of us have stayed with bad or even very bad bosses longer than we “should have,” and we have left other difficult managers whom we might have stayed with longer and learned from.
Just as our boss can fire us, we can fire our boss by leaving them or the organization. Some helpful “should I stay or should I go” questions to help you assess whether it’s time to begin looking for another position and manager include these:
• What have I learned from this person, and in this position, so far?
• Is there still an opportunity for me to continue to learn and grow in this position, working for this manager? If so, what is it that I want to learn, and how might I go about obtaining this knowledge and growth?
• To what extent are the skills I’ll continue to learn be transferrable to other jobs or careers I may want in the future?
• Do my reasons for considering leaving this man- ager have to do with ethical lapses in the manager or organization?
• Is working for this person negatively affecting my mental health?
• Are there people higher up in the organization whom I admire or aspire to be like?
Even when your answers to the above questions point to “I should go,” there may be times when leaving a bad boss may not be a viable short-term solution. In these situations, it can be helpful to focus on what you can learn while you remain there, which may include taking on new projects or challenges, networking widely within the company, or practicing dealing with a difficult, demanding person. However, working with a bad boss comes with an emotional and sometimes physical toll, and the longer you continue to work with them, the larger the overall toll it will take.
When leaving a bad boss or situation, as hard as it may be, plan to make a graceful exit. Rage quitting, including creating an ugly scene on your way out or leaving a mess for your manager, others on the team, and the person who comes in behind you, may feel satisfying in the moment or even justified based on the way you’ve been treated, but it’s rarely a good option for your long-term reputation. Making a graceful exit means making a transition plan to help the person who comes in behind you understand the relevant processes and know where to find key information, thanking your manager for what you’ve learned from them, tying up as many loose ends as possible, being constructive in explaining why you’re leaving, and offering to answer some questions in the weeks following your departure.
Excerpted from Manage Yourself to Lead Others: Why Great Leadership Begins with Self-Understanding. Copyright © 2025 by Margaret C. Andrews. Available from Basic Venture, an imprint of Hachette Book Group, Inc.
