In 2024 almost 50,000 Americans died by suicide, making it the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. And the ripple effects are even wider. According to research, each suicide is connected to 135 people who knew the deceased, including coworkers, along with a percentage of those who were considered “close connections.” Extrapolating that data, 6.6 million people are added to the larger community of suicide loss survivors each year.
I am one of those “loss survivors.” On January 5, 2025, while in a plane taxiing out on a runway, I received a text message from my half-brother telling me my father had died by suicide. The shock of his death, including how it was communicated, left me traumatized and depressed. While I was fortunate to have the strong support of my wife, daughter, and son-in-law, at some point I started to think, “Who should I tell?”
While the decision about sharing the loss of my father was highly personal and based on a number of factors, which I discussed with my grief therapist, it left me thinking, How can we support others in the workplace who have faced these unimaginable events in their lives? And that commitment is not one to be taken lightly, given the stigma of suicide, linked to effects that research lists as “concealment of the death, social withdrawal, reduced psychological and somatic functioning, and grief difficulties.”
The strategies here are designed as suggestions to help others who might want support but who might not ask for it. I would like to thank all of the mental health specialists and corporate leaders who agreed to be interviewed for this article.
I am not a mental health professional, and this is not mental health advice, but here are some approaches to your colleague who might not be ready, prepared, or equipped to share the grief and sense of loss that comes with the suicide of a loved one.
Start with condolences
A good first step is to offer your condolences, delicately and respectfully. One person I interviewed, whose mother died by suicide, said, “A few of my colleagues handed me cards with handwritten notes of condolence. I will never forget how thoughtful that was, that they took the time to write a note of kindness.” I also experienced something similar, and will never forget those who took the time to be so mindful and respectful. Sure, email is always an option, but a deeper sense of sympathy is conveyed by a meaningful card with a handwritten note of condolences and support, beyond a simple signature.
By conveying condolences, without mentioning anything specific and respecting your colleague’s privacy, you allow the person who is grieving, as one mental health specialist stated, “to retain their own narrative without feeling like someone is being presumptive. Such gestures also convey availability and humanity without any assumption of a reply or explanation.”
Offering further support
To gauge how to respond, you need to consider your relationship with the individual. Are they a colleague with whom you have little social connection other than work-related interactions, or a close coworker and friend you socialize with? How you decide to express your regrets should tie into that relationship.
If you don’t have a close relationship but work in the same office, a simple expression of regret or a note of support would be appreciated, demonstrating that even though you might not be particularly close, you care about your coworker and the death of their loved one. One person I interviewed told how such a work acquaintance sent a flower arrangement to their coworker’s desk, a touching gesture of support. “The fact that we were not particularly close, but he still took the time to send me some flowers, was extremely touching,” he said.
In the case of a close coworker, consider offering more support. As one corporate leader told me when such a coworker’s loved one died by suicide, “I didn’t want to just offer my condolences, I wanted to offer her my company, so I invited her to a tea outside the office, to give her a moment of respite from the stress of returning to work and to just take a break.” That invitation gave her colleague the liberty to share but without any imposition or intrusion. The corporate leader added, “My friend was just appreciative that I took her out of the office environment, and even for a brief moment, to feel that she could just converse and it didn’t have to be about her grief.”
However, keep in mind even a close colleague may not be prepared to talk about what happened. If a grieving colleague doesn’t want to engage, respect their boundaries. Especially shortly after someone’s death and the return to work, there are strong reasons why your colleague might not want to engage more specifically, beyond accepting your condolences. Those reasons include:
- Confusion around how the death occurred. “How could this have happened?”
- Self-scrutiny and self-blame: “Should I have done more?”
- Anger. “How could they have done that to us?”
- Religious objections and guilt.
- Shame: “I never thought I would have this in my life.”
If your colleague does want more support
Grief is a long and complicated journey. A colleague who may want privacy now may later approach you once they have had more time to process their grief, but only if you have conveyed your availability earlier. Here are some dos and don’ts to signal your wanting to keep the door open and render future support.
Don’ts: These might close off any future conversations and possibilities to help.
- Offer to talk if you don’t mean it. One person I interviewed had a colleague offer support, but when she replied months later, “Yes, I’d love to take you up on that virtual catch-up,” there was no reply. That added unnecessary hurt and isolation to what was already a difficult ask in reaching out.
- Bring up the manner of death. A simple “If you ever want to chat and talk, just know that I am always here to support you” is empathetic while nonintrusive.
- Make it about you. Saying something like, “I know what you are going through, the same thing happened in my family” shifts the narrative to yourself from the person you are trying to console. Worse, as one mental health professional told me, “Equating your own loss might make your colleague feel like you are minimizing theirs.”
- Rush in with early assurances such as, “Don’t worry, it’s going to be OK,” or, “You’re strong, you will get through it.” Your colleague is going through a period of uncertainty that needs to be understood, and empathetic listening is your best way to show support without offering what might be perceived as unhelpful counsel.
- Provide a reading list. There are an abundance of books on grief, some specifically pertaining to suicide. However, recommending a book can feel like an assignment, even if well intentioned. As one person I interviewed said, “It started to feel like a cascade of people offering condolences were telling me about a book that I really needed to read. It was overwhelming and also gave me anxiety as to what I should be reading, if at all.” Recommending a book is on a very thin wire with respect to mental health counseling, so perhaps it’s not the time to signal, “Here’s what you should be doing.”
Do’s: These will signal a strong sense of future availability.
- If you are close to the person, and have a friendship that would be sustained even if you were not colleagues, open the door to the future. A simple “I am here if you ever want to talk,” conveys understanding and empathy, and also respects your friend’s sense of privacy. One colleague reached out to me with such an offer six months after my father’s suicide. His counsel was extremely helpful, but if he had made the offer sooner I would have been ill-prepared to accept the kind gesture.
- Be a steady listener. In your initial interaction with your colleague, allow them the narrative. Don’t try to finish sentences or overtake the conversation. Whatever they might share, replying with understanding and validation will demonstrate a strong sense of empathy that might be very helpful over time.
- Offer resources, but prepare first. Many organizations offer a range of mental health support resources that can be helpful, including employee assistance programs and specific grief support and counseling access. One corporate leader explained that their company has trained mental health aides who are third-party certified to support those who are grieving. These are all helpful, but in your approach to your colleague, a good start might be, “I know we have good support and counseling resources here. If you need help finding them, or even if you want me to go to HR with you to help find where to start, just let me know.” That way, you are not overwhelming them with what might be multiple options, but just offering support without intrusion.
- Offer to talk outside the office. Taking someone out of the office can offer a sense of intimacy without the pressure of office interactions. With such outreach, you are offering what might be the most important thing you can offer: your undivided companionship. And it doesn’t hurt to add, “If now’s not a good time, it’s an offer with no expiry or agenda, just an excuse to get out of the office!” Sometimes a note of levity can bring a moment of relief to such an awful time. You can mention that this opportunity could be during work hours or outside them. Having a conversation after work can reduce the anxiety of feeling, “Well, we have to get back now.”
Managers Have a Special Responsibility
When a manager has someone on their team who has experienced such a loss, the situation is different from that of a work colleague or acquaintance. As one of the corporate leaders I interviewed told me, “Managers have an obligation to intervene and offer both hard and soft resources.”
Those could include internal and external support programs, as well as additional time off; temporary reassignment, especially if that person’s role involves travel; and other gestures such as “What can I take off your plate right now?”
As a mental health professional told me, “Managers are instrumental in helping to vector the person grieving to the appropriate resources, which also demonstrates a strong organizational duty of care and culture.” As studies demonstrate, a lack of “institutional care” can have a significant impact on a grieving person’s perception of support in the workplace.
Be present, mindful, and delicate
As someone who is not a mental health professional, you can’t help another person make sense of something that makes no sense. But by being sensitive to the person’s grief in the aftermath of tragedy, you can open the door for them to reach out for companionship, comfort, and even help in finding support.
And if that ask never comes from your colleague, as long as you were an empathetic listener, it’s not a failure on your part. After such a traumatic experience, each person’s grief narrative is different and it might or might not be something that involves workplace peers, friends, and colleagues. Yet by trying as best you can to follow these strategies, including empathetic listening and validating how your friend is coping, you can provide an opportunity for future interactions without the presumption and pressure that there might be one.
This article does not constitute or imply mental health advice or counseling. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, call or text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org to connect with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7 in the United States. If there is immediate danger, call 911. People grieving a suicide loss can find support groups, peer support, and other resources at afsp.org/ive-lost-someone/.
