Listen, we all know half the meetings on our work calendars could have just been an email. But when you’re in a long-term relationship and share kids, bills, and household responsibilities, relationship experts say there’s one meeting you’re not having that you should absolutely add to your calendar ASAP: a weekly state of the union meeting. With your partner. About your relationship.
If you’ve spent any time at all researching or attending couples’ therapy, chances are you’ve heard of the Gottman method. Drs. John and Julie Gottman are famous for their structured approach to couples’ therapy, which is implemented by countless therapists across the world. One of their techniques for a successful marriage is to schedule what they call a state of the union meeting each week.
“It’s essentially like a weekly check-in. It’s setting aside specific times with your partner, without distractions, to check in,” says Alex Osias, LCSW, MFTC, a Colorado-based therapist specializing in family and relationship dynamics. “It becomes this regular space you use so you can have important conversations and it doesn’t have to be handled when you’re really upset or frustrated.”
The purpose of the state of the union meeting is to create a safe space where partners can celebrate their wins and discuss what’s not working, especially the small things (you know, the ones you tend to think aren’t worth mentioning but then build up into a much bigger conflict later). The meetings should be concise and definitely shouldn’t go longer than an hour, Osias tells her clients.
“I encourage them to pick a day and time where they can sit down for an hour at the most. Let’s not drag this out. And I encourage them to just be consistent with it. It could be Sunday evening; it could be a Wednesday depending on work schedules. I think it’s important that it fits into your life and that it doesn’t become one more thing to do.”
What To Talk About In Your State Of The Union Meeting
This is not the time to discuss logistics, like who’s picking up the kids which days or who’s in charge of dinner Thursday, says Osias. This meeting is to discuss your relationship: checking in on what’s working, what’s not, and setting intentions for the coming week.
But what should you talk about? The Gottmans have a clear agenda couples should follow during their meetings:
- List five things your partner did this week that you appreciated, and then they’ll do the same for you. You should identify what they did and what positive trait it reminded you they possess. Their example: “I appreciate how considerate you were this past week when you picked up the clothes from the dry cleaners when I ran out of time.” To get started, you can ask each other questions like, “When did we feel connected?” “What did we do well?” or, “What is good between us?” says Osias
- Talk about what went right in your relationship this week. Maybe you’ve been working toward changing a certain pattern in your marriage and saw some progress. Maybe the big win was both prioritizing the state of the union meeting and sticking to it. Calling out these wins helps keep you both motivated to keep working on your relationship, according to the Gottman method.
- Take turns sharing issues or letdowns from the week. This is the time to discuss those marriage moments that might otherwise build up over time and fester until a bigger fight erupts.
- Ask each other, “What can I do this week that would make you feel more loved?” This question helps couples identify their own needs and state them clearly to their partners, Osias says, which sets your relationship up for success.
Expert Tips For A Successful State Of The Union Meeting
If Step 3 on the agenda sounds like a fight waiting to happen, don’t panic. Starting with the positives from the previous week helps you and your partner ease into talking about your relationship dynamics and open you both up to really listen.
Osias recommends not sitting across the table from each other, but rather side by side: on the sofa, the porch, a park bench, wherever. When it’s time to discuss your relationship Ls of the week, you want to name the specific incident, what it made you feel, and what you need moving forward, according to Gottman.
Their suggested format goes like this: I felt (worried, sad, hurt, scared) about (the situation that happened, not an accusation about anything wrong with your partner). I need (this different action moving forward, without criticizing their past mistake further).
In real life, that might sound like, “I felt belittled when you snapped at me while we were struggling to get both kids in the car. I need you to speak more kindly to me when you’re stressed.”
If you feel the conversation starting to spiral or turn negative, you can return to one question, Osias says: “What do you need me to understand?” It helps block out the noise and refocus you both on the need underneath it all.
While a state of the union meeting might sound like an obvious way to make your marriage better, how many of us actually talk to our partners like this? Like, consistently? If you ask the experts anyway, they seem to think we could all benefit from doing so once a week.
