When my husband and I were engaged, we met with the minister who was marrying us for one little “counseling” session. It was really lovely, and to this day, we stand by the one rule he really pressed into us: Let each partner handle their own extended family squabbles. But the other thing he had us do was figure out our love languages.
If it sounds dated, I get it. The Love Languages have been around since 1992, when the first book about them was published. The idea is that there are five of them — physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts — and that you and your partner can communicate better and love each other better when you each know the other’s love language (and, honestly, when you know your own).
It’s not a proven science, and some of it feels a little too rooted in evangelical relationship culture, but it does make sense that knowing how your partner feels most loved can help you show up for each other a little better. When my husband and I were getting married, our love languages were the same: physical touch as our number one, followed by quality time. But now, after 9 years of marriage and 11 years together, I’m curious… can love languages change over time?
According to H4M Matchmaking founder and relationship expert Tammy Shaklee, the answer is a resounding yes. “A person’s love language can absolutely shift over time,” she says. “Love languages sometimes reflect unmet needs in a particular season of life, rather than being completely fixed personality traits.”
When I retook the Love Languages quiz, my results reflected that. While physical touch had stayed the same, quality time had been usurped by words of affirmation. And after nearly a decade of marriage and three kids? That makes so much sense to me.
What does this really say about our relationships?
Author, speaker, and child well-being expert Stephanie Malia Krauss says shifts in love languages are actually very common.
“Research on relationships and attachment suggests that the ways we experience affection and connection aren’t static personality traits. They’re shaped by context: our environment, the stage of life we’re in, the stresses we’re carrying, and the particular dynamics of a relationship,” Krauss explains. “What helps us feel supported when we’re overwhelmed with responsibilities might be very different from what helped us feel loved in our twenties or early in a relationship.”
Discovering your love languages have changed, says Krauss, doesn’t invalidate the ways love was expressed earlier in a relationship.
In other words, it doesn’t mean I still don’t enjoy quality time with my husband; it just means that, in this timeline of mine, words of affirmation make me feel loved and seen. Maybe because, right now, I feel like our quality time is hitting what we need — our TV shows after the girls go to bed, our lunchtime walks, our kitchen conversations while I make dinner.
Maybe, in the space we are both in as people and parents and spouses, words of affirmation are what my heart is yearning for.
I don’t just want to be around my husband and get a hug from him as he walks in the room; I want to hear that he’s proud of me, that he’s appreciative of me, that he values me. I could even chalk up this love language change to the world around us right now. As a woman, it means everything in the world to know I have my partner’s support, that he sees me as a whole person and loves me for exactly what I bring to the table and who I am.
“We’re capable of expressing and receiving love in many ways, and which ones feel most meaningful can shift as our needs and circumstances change,” says Krauss. “That doesn’t mean the earlier need disappears; it simply means the context of the relationship and the person’s emotional landscape has changed. Relationships are living systems, and the ways we care for one another tend to evolve right along with them.”
How to Talk About a Shift in Your Love Language
One of the other reasons knowing your love language is so helpful is when it comes to navigating conflicts — and after retaking the quiz, I’m glad to know mine has changed.
Physical touch is still nearly tied with words of affirmation, but it’s a big shift from the quality time language I used to have. Now, when I’m feeling frustrated or resentful, I realize that what I might actually be responding to is the need for a little more affirmative language from my partner.
Before, I felt a little overwhelmed trying to squeeze in quality time for us. Now, it feels more like a gift than another item on the to-do list. And knowing that my husband could use words of affirmation to meet me where I am on any given day is honestly so nice.
So, should you bring it up to your partner if you realize your love language has changed? One hundred percent, says Shaklee.
“When you do communicate, keep it kind and constructive,” she says. “Try simple phrases like, ‘I don’t know what it is, but I love cuddling more lately! It makes me so happy,’ or ‘It meant a lot when you texted that dinner was ordered to pick up on the way home. I loved that.’”
Love languages aren’t an exact science. But if you feel as though they’re helpful for understanding what makes you and your partner feel supported, try retaking the quiz. You might be surprised at how your own love language has shifted, and what it means for the space you’re in.
